Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
