I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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