Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
