Just fell off a train. Bad.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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