If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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