did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
