It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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