Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Randomize
