You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
