how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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