Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I wish there were birth control emojis
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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