Apparently you make a good broom.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
