DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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