State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
