Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
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