Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
