if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize