a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize