I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
