fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
