If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
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