omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Rumble strips road head = magical
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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