Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Randomize
