i was rollin on her like bob the builder
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
we're so committed to being not committed
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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