omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
