Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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