i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize