my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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