guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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