Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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