You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
