well I can't set my house on fire every night
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Operation Purity has been aborted
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize