he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Randomize
