I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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