All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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