I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
