i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
