shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My balls are so social today.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Randomize
