I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
