tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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