i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize