She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
