sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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