I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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