So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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