At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
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