he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
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