Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
