i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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