if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
