I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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