I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
