I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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