My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
