porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
