i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
