Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
