the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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