Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize